Sooo the title says it all, rants. Just wanna type some shit off my chest. No one to talk to and no one is gonna understand either. It's probably gonna be lame, or nonsense. So dont read it, if you dont want to ;)
Sometimes i wonder is it worth to get into a relationship. I mean like, everyone who has been in love before know how much it fucking hurts to go through a break up, to get over someone. It might take weeks, months, and even years for some of us. But either way, it still sucks. No one likes that shit. But some of us, knowing that we still cant help ourselves but to fall in love. Yes, no? Just like me. To me, whats life without love? Not saying that i cant live without guys >____>
People always walk in and out of my life, like im nothing. Sometimes i give up on love, honestly. I always tell myself not to fall in love because there's just too fucking much to lose. I always tell myself to built a wall around my heart because guys are almost full of shit. Dont trust them because the moment when you trust them, they would show you why you shouldnt.
But i always meet someone new, get close and i start to feel something for them. But sometimes that 'something' doesnt mean anything, but yet sometimes that 'something' mean a lot. And sometimes when i start to feel a lot for someone, sometimes i push them away, sometimes i cant help but to fall in love with them more. And each time i do, im so bloody scared. Scared of everything that might happen. So fucking afraid to get hurt again.
Once you fall in love, get attached to someone, you're so damn screwed. You let people in, and they destroy you. You start to care and everything all these are just scary. You love, care, commit, get serious, but what if the other party doesnt do the same for you? What if your feelings isnt appreciated? What if people dont appreciate? What if people dont see the good in you? The worse is when the other party knows how much you mean to them. Because then they will know how bloody easy is it for them to break you. So vulnerable.
If you know me personally, i've been getting in and out of relationships. That sucks, honestly. So fucking sick of it. So fucking sick of 2-3 months of relationship. So fucking sick of people going out of my life. So fucking sick of being heartbroken. So fucking sick of being alone. I got my heart broken so many fucking times before. Fuck all the guys. But then again, who do i blame? Me. Because i always allow myself to fall in love with someone new. I put myself in this bloody vulnerable position. I really, really hate myself for this.
But why the hell just wont good things stay? I guess that's life. You cant control your feelings, and you choose what you want to stay or go. I just want someone to stay, and accept me for who i am. And of course, my feelings to stay too. Im a mess. I fucked up a lot. Im a boring person. Im that kind of girl that guys seldom fall in love with. Im never fucking good enough for someone. All i see are the reasons why people wont want me.
No one would really understand this anyway. Because no one really ever take the effort to understand me. I just wanna be happy. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe it's just me expecting too much of happiness.
Sorry for the rant.